


All my hope is pinned on us

by whatareuanacorn



Category: Broadway RPF, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Closeted, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, and connor survives, and has evans letter on him, and the catch is him and evan are secretly dating, but the letter is different, connor tries to kill himself, hes in a coma, oh and jared is actually a good friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 06:15:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14013981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatareuanacorn/pseuds/whatareuanacorn
Summary: Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy have been dating for months now, but not a single soul knows about it.No one even knows they know each other.So what happens when a letter addressed to Evan Hansen is found in Connor's pocket when he tries to kill himself?





	1. Chapter 1

"Hey, Hansen." Connor smiles as he walks into the computer lab, 

"H-Hey, Con!" Evan beams falsely, quickly closing down the tab he has open. 

He watches as Connor walks past the printer and notices something sticking out of it, 

"yours, babe?" he asks and Evan nods quickly, 

"m-m-my therapy letter..." he says, hoping his boyfriend understands not to read it.

"She's still got you doing that bullshit?" he asks, folding the paper in half as he walks over to Evan,

"yeah."

"Dear Evan Hansen, today's going to be a good day and here's why, because today your hot boyfriend came to make out with you at lunch." Connor smirks, dropping down in the seat next to Evan, placing the paper on the table as he does.

"And here's me thinking you c-came to spend time with m-me." Evan teases, his tongue caught between his teeth as he grins at Connor, 

"bit of both." The taller boy smiles softly and leans in to kiss Evan. 

"No ones signed your cast." Connor points out when he pulls away from Evan, 

"oh, nope." 

"Sharpie." Connor smiles, holding his hand out.

"Are you sure?" 

"You wear hoodies half the time anyway, and if anyone asks just say I signed it as a joke if you want." Connor chuckles as he takes the sharpie off Evan and then laces their fingers together, holding his arm out carefully as he writes his name across his boyfriends cast in large capital letters.

"Thank you." Evan giggles when Connor puts the cap back on the pen, "closest I'll ever get to you marking me up." 

"Oh, shut it you." Connor grins and grabs the collar of Evan's favourite polo shirt and tugs him close, unbuttoning the top button of the shirt and moving it so he can get to Evan's collar bone, he leans in and attaches his lips to Evan's skin, sucking a bruise onto the pale flesh. 

"Con..." Evan whines, writhing under his boyfriends touch.

"Happy now?" The elder says, sitting back with a satisfied smirk, 

"I don't know, I can't see it." Evan laughs and Connor rolls his eyes and gets his phone out, he holds Evan's collar down with one hand and takes a photo with the other before showing Evan. "Nice." The younger grins and Connor rolls his eyes as he uploads the photo into his secret storage app and deletes it from his camera roll. "Your dad still going through your phone?" 

"Every week." Connor sighs and Evan frowns,

"why though? He's clearly not gonna find anything." 

"Mum said its because she's worried about my safety. She gets him to check it in case there's like, porn, or something."

"Good luck with that, all my nudes are saved in that app." Evan grins and Connor laughs, smiling adoringly at his boyfriend, 

"very true. Mine too, thank god." 

"You save your own nudes?" 

"For when you're being needy and I don't have time to get off with you! I just reuse them. You never even noticed I send the same ones." Connor chuckles and Evan huffs, 

"well I'm always a bit preoccupied when you send them." 

"Hot." Connor chuckles and presses a kiss to Evan's cheek. The younger smiles and looks down at Connor's phone, 

"do you just change your wallpaper each time he checks it?" He asks, looking at the photo of himself that Connor has as his wallpaper. It was taken about a month ago when Connor took Evan to the orchard for their 10 month anniversary. He's lying on the grass with small white flowers and leaves in his hair while Connor stands over him, taking the photo. 

"He checks it every sunday morning so I change it to a photo of the sun set at the orchard on saturday night, so it always relates to you." Connor grins and Evan smiles at him affectionately. 

"I love you." 

"I love you too, baby." 

 

They sit in silence for a while, Evan finishing his math homework while Connor holds him, occasionally stealing kisses from the younger. 

They're just comfortable being together.

 

"Crap! I've gotta get to class!" Evan says as soon as the bell rings, 

"Okay, babe. Hey, I'm not gonna be in tomorrow." Connor sighs and Evan frowns, 

"w-why?" 

"Got some stuff to do, okay?"

"oh... okay." 

"Ev, baby, I love you." Connor whispers, taking Evan's hand and pulling him down for a kiss, 

"I love you too. Text me, yeah?" 

"Yeah. Sure." 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Evan doesn't hear from Connor for the rest of the day. 

Nor does he hear from him the following day.

Or the next morning.

But he doesn't worry. Connor's just like that.

 

 

"Evan Hansen to the principals office. That's Evan Hansen to the principals office. Thank you." 

The voice coming over the loud speaker is booming and makes Evan's stomach turn.

He looks up to see most of the class staring at him.

"Go on, Evan." His teacher sighs and he nods quickly, gathering up his stuff and rushing out the classroom.

 

 

He's met by two unfamiliar adults in the office.

"Oh, s-sorry, I-I got c-called in, I'll just-" 

"Evan, right?" The woman smiles sadly and Evan nods, 

"Mr Howard just stepped out. We wanted to talk to you privately." The man explains, his expression hard and never changing.

"S-Sorry, you a-are...?" 

"I'm Cynthia, This is Larry. Murphy. We're Connor's parents... Connor Murphy?" 

Evan's heart sinks.

"O-Oh." 

"Sit down, son." Larry sighs and Evan nods quickly, scrambling to sit in the chair in front of him.

"Connor, um, Connor wanted you to have this." Cynthia explains and Evan's palms start to sweat and his mind whirls. A piece of paper is being slid across the desk. He takes it with shaking hands.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_I know, because there’s us, and all my hope is pinned on us and what we have, but we don't know the future. This could all end in flames . Maybe if I could just get better. Be normal. Maybe everything would be fine. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._

  
_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely,_

_Your most best, and dearest friend, Me_

_"_ Connor, he, um, he gave this to you?" 

"We didn't think Connor had friends and then we see this note and it... this seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were, at least for Connor, he thought of you as..." Larry trials off, sighing heavily, "it's right there." he points to the top of the paper, "'dear Evan Hansen.' It's addressed to you. He wrote it to you." 

"You think he wrote this to me?" 

"These are the words he wanted to share with you." Cynthia whispers, 

"They were going to be his last words." Larry sighs.

"I-I'm sorry, _what_!?" 

"Connor, uh, Connor tried to take his own life." Larry mumbles.

Evan's heart shatters then and there.

"He, he what?" He chokes out and Cynthia reaches over and puts a hand on his knee, 

"he's in hospital. This is all we found on him. We wanted to know if you knew anything." 

"Connor didn't write this."

"What do you mean, Evan." 

"He didn't, um, didn't write it."

"What is he talking about, Larry?" 

"He's obviously in shock." 

"N-No, he-" Evan runs his hands over his face and Cynthia gasps,

"Larry, look, his cast." She whispers and Evan looks down at his arms. He must have rolled his sleeves up on his way to the office. His boyfriends name is still scrawled in big letters across his arm. "His best and most dearest friend." Cynthia whispers.

 

Evan sits in a stunned silence for a minute or so.

Connor's parents simply stare at him.

"Did Connor really try to take his own life?" He asks after a while.

"Yes, son. He's in hospital."

"Is he going to die?" Evan can't help it, but it comes out as a whimper.

"No, Evan, honey, no. He is in a coma though, and we don't know exactly when he's going to wake up, but the doctors are sure he will. His body just needs to recover." 

"R-Right." 

"How long have you been friends, Evan?" 

 

Boyfriends. He's my boyfriend. We've been dating for eleven months. Since the day he kissed me in the orchard. The place he took me to apologise for being a dickhead.

Evan doesn't say this.

 

"N-Nearly a year." 

"Zoe said she never saw you two together at school. And there were no messages from you on his phone." 

"He's a very private person, and I-I'm a v-very anxious person. We would m-meet secretly in the computer labs at l-lunch because I'm the only person allowed in there. He didn't want a-anyone knowing we were friends. He deleted all our messages. B-But I still have all of them. If you, if you need them for any... any answers, but, but he never mentioned anything like this. I thought, I thought he was okay. He told me he was okay..." Evan trails off, his lip quivering, 

"it's okay, Evan. He's still in intensive care right now but if you give me your number, I'll ring you as soon as you can visit him. Or I can get Zoe to tell you. Would you prefer that?" Cynthia says softly and Evan chews his lip nervously, 

"um, can you get Z-Zoe to let me know?" 

"Of course."

"I-I should probably g-get back to cl-class..." 

"Yeah. Thank you for talking to us, Evan. Thank you for being a friend to our boy." 

 

He bursts into tears as soon as he leaves the room.

He runs through the empty halls to his locker, tears flowing freely down his face. He's thankful class hasn't finished yet.

 

 

To: Jared

_can you come to my locker_

From: Jared

_why?_

To: Jared

_i need someone right now and you never need an excuse to leave class_

From: Jared

_touché. on my way_

 

"Woah, what's wrong?" Jared asks when he appears in front of Evan, he grabs the shaking boys arms, steadying him.

"C-Can we g-go to your c-car?" He sobs and Jared nods, taking Evan's bag and slinging it over his own shoulder before shutting the youngers locker. He hooks an arm around Evan's torso and guides him down the hall.

 

 

"You gonna explain what's going on?" Jared asks, handing Evan a tissue from the packet in his glove box. 

"I have a l-lot to t-tell you." Evan whispers,

"I have time." Jared smiles and Evan sighs, 

"You're g-gonna hate me so much." 

"I won't, Evan." 

"I'm gay." 

"You know I'm bi so I would never hate you for that."

"I have a boyfriend."

"No way! Good for you!" 

"He's in hospital. He t-tried to k-kill himself." 

"I... Evan. Fuck. I'm so sorry. Is he gonna be okay?" 

"Th-They think so." 

"Is that why you got called to the office?" 

"Yeah. His parents found a letter in his pocket. B-But he didn't write it. It was one of m-my therapy letters. He took it from me at lunch yesterday by accident and it was o-on him when h-he tried t-to... But he didn't write it. H-He didn't write anything. H-He was j-just g-gonna go." 

"Oh... Evan. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

"He didn't want anyone knowing we were together. S-So he was just gonna leave me? J-Just like that. I probably wouldn't have even found out until it got around the school. I-I... I'm so hurt."

"Wait... who is it, Evan?" 

Evan's blood runs cold.

"You can't tell anyone." 

"I promise I won't." 

Evan sighs and tugs the sleeve of his hoodie up over his cast and showing it to the boy next to him and Jared stares at him, wide eyed and open mouthed.

" _Connor Murphy_?" 


	3. Chapter 3

 

"C-C...Co-Connor Murphy." Evan spits out shakily, tears filling his eyes as he nods rapidly. "We've b-been together for n-nearly a year." 

"Well, fuck." Jared laughs softly, "hey, I know it's a bad time, but I'm happy for you. I'm sorry about this, but I am happy for you. He's gonna be okay, Evan." 

"I just... I'm so scared. I l-love him, Jared." 

Evan starts sobbing.

Heavy, ugly, heaving sobs. 

Jared can only sigh and reach out to hold his friend.

"It's okay. He's gonna be okay."

Jared spends about 10 minutes comforting Evan. When the blonde boy finally calms down, Jared takes a shaky breath.

"I have a question."

"Okay...?"

"If they thought your letter was his suicide note... What the fuck did you write?" 

Evan slowly takes the scrunched up paper out of his pocket and thrusts it towards Jared.

He looks away as his friend reads it.

"Evan... oh my god, Evan." He whispers, before quickly screwing the paper back up and wrapping his arms around Evan's neck,

"I'm sorry."

"I really care about you, you know that, right?" Jared asks, pain evident in his voice. Evan doesn't respond. 

"Evan, if you ever... fuck, Ev, I don't know if I could physically take that. You're my _best_ friend." 

Jared is sobbing.

Jared Kleinman is crying because of Evan.

Evan is stunned into silence.

"I-I'm sorry." 

Jared pulls away quickly, scrubbing at his red, tear stained cheeks with his palms before looking at Evan.

The blond is staring sadly at his cast.

"Evan... Ev, how'd you break your arm?" His voice is soft, barely there.

"I fell out of a tree."

"Evan..."

"I... I climbed a tree?" 

"And?"

"I let go, okay?! I just l-let go!" Evan snaps.

Jared jumps. 

He then turns away from Evan and holds his face in his hands, his forehead on the steering wheel.

His shoulders are shaking with heavy sobs.

"J-Jared, I'm sorry..." Evan whimpers and Jared's head snaps up at the pain in Evan's voice. 

"No. I'm sorry. I should have known. I should have noticed something was wrong."

"I didn't want anyone to know."

"But I should have  _seen_ it, Evan." 

"This... This isn't your fault. At all. Don't for a second think you could have done s-something." 

"Does anyone know?" 

"You do." 

"Alright, Mr sarcastic." Jared sighs affectionately and Evan smiles softly,

"I know you have questions but can we just... talk about it properly some other time. Just n-not now, not while Con's-"

"I understand. Wanna stay at mine tonight?" 

"Please."

"Alright, let's just go. Fuck school."

"Yeah, fuck school." Evan chuckles and Jared grins at him, 

"well, I can see Connor's had an impact on you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short bc listen. i'm still not over my angel ben levi ross going on as my fictional angel connor murphy AND having to sing "not because we're gay" to his LITERAL boyfriend. i love those boys. and then lin manuel fucking miranda and benjamin schiff who's that who cares platt decide to release found tonight ??? excuse me. thats illegal. (seriously go buy it and stream it it's incredible and supports a great cause)


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

"So, how did you and the elusive Connor Murphy become Connor  _and_ Evan then?" Jared asks, throwing a piece of popcorn at Evan's head. The blond tears his eyes away from the film on the TV in Jared's room that he was watching mindlessly to look at his friend.

"You want the f-full story or the rough cut?" Evan chuckles,

"full, obviously, I'm a sucker for gay shit."

"Do you remember telling him his hair made him look like a sc-school shooter?"

"Yep. He pushed you over."

"Well, he found me to apologise,"

 

_"I came to apologise."_

_Evan whips round to see Connor Murphy stood behind him, both hands clutching the strap of his satchel as he stares at his feet,_

_"Oh?" Evan squeaks, closing his locker,_

_"I shouldn't have pushed you earlier, I just, I got angry. I'm not very good when I'm angry."_

_"It's, uh, it's okay."_

_"It's not. Would you let me take you somewhere? I know somewhere I think you'll really like. I just want to sit and talk. You seem... You seem like a good kid, Evan. I don't want to be your enemy." Connor sighs and Evan tilts his head to the side slightly, confused by how sincere Connor sounds._

_"R-Right now?"_

_"If you're not busy."_

_"I'm n-not. I was just w-waiting for Jared to fi-finish his after school class so he could drop me home but I can just t-text him?" Evan explains nervously and Connor finally looks up and smiles at him briefly_.

_Evan's never seen Connor smile._

_Why does he want to see that smile again?_

_The blond boy pulls out his phone and quickly types out a message to his friend giving some bullshit excuse as to why he's left. Once he's hit send he reaches down and picks up his backpack._

_"L-Lead the way."_

 

_The car ride is quiet. Connor has music playing softly that Evan doesn't recognise, but it sounds like it's meant to be played loud, but Connor keeps it low, as though he's trying to protect Evan from something._

_"Where are we?" Evan asks once Connor switches off the engine,_

_"You'll see." Connor chuckles, getting out the car and dashing round to the passenger side, opening Evan's door for him swiftly._

_"Th-Thank you." Evan whispers as he quickly gets out of Connor's beat up jeep._

_They walk in silence for a few minutes until they come to a clearing._

_Ahead of them are hundreds of trees._

_Evan is in awe._

_"Me and my family used to come here when it was an up and running orchard. It closed down years ago but all the trees are still here obviously. I know you like trees."_

_"Wow..."_

 

_"Evan?" Connor calls, finally looking up from his sketchbook and Evan giggles,_

_"look up."_

_Connor tilts his head back and grins when he sees Evan perched in one of the trees above him. The long haired boy takes his phone out and snaps a picture of Evan._

_"Why'd you take a picture?" Evan asks, blushing,_

_"it's a good shot." Connor shrugs and Evan laughs softly,_

_"can you come down? I wanna talk."_

_"You could come up." Evan shrugs and Connor rolls his eyes and gets up off the grass anyway and walks to the trunk of the tree Evan is sat in._

 

_"I'm really sorry I pushed you. You didn't deserve that and I don't deserve you being so nice to me right now."_

_"You're being n-nice to me though so..."_  

_"Because you deserve it. You're so sweet and kind and patient. Someone like you shouldn't even give me the time of day."_

_"You aren't as bad as you think you are, Connor. I mean, you brought me here, for one. No ones ever done something this nice for me."_

_"You only deserve good things." Connor chuckles and Evan can't help but notice he's blushing. "Sorry, that sounded weird."_

_"It's okay."_

_"I've wanted to bring you here since you did that english presentation."_

_"Oh," Evan chuckles, "you m-mean the most embarrassing thing I've e-ever done."_

_"You can't help your anxiety." Connor tells him, "actually that's partly the reason I never spoke to you. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."_

_"I'm glad you s-sp-spoke to me today and brought m-me here." Evan tells him. Connor smiles._

_He then leans in and kisses Evan._

 

"And he just... kissed me." 

"That's so fucking cute!" Jared grins, throwing a handful of popcorn into his mouth and chewing loudly, "you literally kissed your boyfriend for the first time in a tree. That's  _so_ you!" 

"Shut up!" Evan laughs.

"So you've really been together for nearly a year and you kept it from me?" 

"He didn't want anyone to know. That sounds bad but it wasn't because he was ashamed or hiding me or anything, it's just that neither of us are properly out and he didn't want anyone to treat me badly because of us dating. He was trying to keep me comfortable and protected."

"He seems good for you." 

"I think he is." 

"Do you have any pictures? I wanna see you two together." Jared smiles and Evan gets his phone out, unlocking it and finding the folder he put together of photos of him and Connor and hands the device to Jared.

"You literally named the folder 'nerd and emo'. That's the best thing." Jared chuckles as he clicks on the first photo. "Okay, you're actually  _so_ cute together." 

"Thank you." 

Evan watches as Jared flicks through the photos, he stops on one.

>  

Evan took it of Connor when the long haired boy came to his house for the third or fourth time, two months into their relationship. Evan was sat crossed legged on his bed with Connor's head in his lap. The elder is laughing, his smile wide and one hand pushing his hair behind his ear, he's looking up at Evan's phone, which is being held above his head, with the happiest eyes, squeezed shut from his laughter. 

 

_"Okay, but watch this one!" Evan laughs, holding his phone out in front of Connor. The elder watches the vine on Evan's screen, a small smile on his lips, but Evan hasn't managed to make him laugh yet._

_"Oh, c-come on! That's funny!"_

_"Whatever, babe." Connor mutters, looking up at his boyfriend affectionately._

_"You're no fun. I'm gonna make you laugh with one of these." Evan says, determined, as he pulls his phone back, plugs his earphones back in and starts typing._

_"Oh my god! It's you!" Evan says after a few minutes, yanking the earphones out and showing Connor the vine._

_"So no head?" As soon as the words play out of the phone, Connor bursts into fits of laughter and Evan grins triumphantly._

_After about a minute of Connor laughing, Evan realises how good he looks and quickly snaps a picture, setting it as his wallpaper as he waits for Connor to calm down._

_"That is me. Looks like me. Sounds like me. Only thing that isn't like me is I couldn't break a skateboard like that!" Connor chuckles as his laughs die down and Evan smiles fondly at him._

_Connor looks up to see Evan watching him and smiles, "what?"_

_"You're beautiful." The younger whispers and Connor reaches up and puts a hand on Evan's neck, his thumb resting on his cheek as he pulls his boyfriend down into a kiss._

_"You're perfect." Connor sighs lovingly as he pulls away and sits up, turning so that he's sat facing Evan, he slowly moves his long legs so that they're wrapped around the younger waist before he leans in and kisses Evan passionately._

_"I love you." Connor breathes and he pulls away and starts kissing down Evan's neck._

_"Did I h-hear that r-right?" Evan gasps and Connor chuckles against his skin,_

_"Maybe." He whispers._

_"You love me?"_

_"So fucking much, Evan." Connor sighs, sitting back and holding Evan's jaw in his palms._

_"I l-love you too."_

_"Thank god." Connor whispers and Evan smiles brightly, leaning in and placing a messy kiss on Connor's lips. "What time do I need to be out of here tonight?"_

_"Actually, Mum's d-doing the graveyard shift and won't be h-home till after sc-school starts..."_

_"Oh." Connor smirks,_

_"Y-Yeah..." Evan mumbles and Connor can practically feel the anxiety radiating off of his boyfriend,_

_"baby, I'm not suggesting anything."_

_"N-No, you are and th-thats okay b-because that's why I invited you, I-I'm just, you know."_

_"It's okay, Ev. We'll take things as slow as you need."_

_"I don't d-deserve you." Evan whispers, squeezing his eyes shut._

_"Stop that. I love you." Connor whispers, "can I undress you, baby?"_

"I don't think I've ever seen Connor Murphy with a smile on his face."

"He h-has the prettiest smile. And he d-does smile all the time, he j-just doesn't smile for n-no reason."

"Guess you're his reason then." Jared grins and Evan rolls his eyes as Jared keeps flicking through the photos.

"What's he like then? Like, really, not the persona he shoves on at school."

"He's sweet. He's so sweet, and clingy, like, really c-clingy. He a-always just wants to sit with me in his lap and he h-holds my ha-and whenever he can, and he always checks if I'm okay and makes sure my anxiety isn't t-too bad and he makes stupid jokes all the time and tells me he loves me, but he always says it quietly, even though it's always only us, it's just like he w-wants it to be exclusively for me." Evan looks at Jared and sees him leant on his hand, watching Evan with a smile on his face, urging him to continue. "He c-cooks for me when he comes to mine and b-bundles me up in blankets and holds me after panic attacks and he drives me to therapy if mums working and waits for me outside. He does w-way more for me th-than I do for him and... and... and he could be d-dying right now and I can't do anything about it."

Evan starts crying and Jared sighs, moving closer to the younger and wrapping his arms around him, 

"you're gonna have to tell Zoe you're together. She'll be able to get you in to see him, I mean, if you want. I don't know if you'd be able to handle seeing him in a coma...?"

"I want to see him so bad. His mum actually said she's gonna get Zoe to tell me when i can see him."

"Wait, what did you tell his parents?" 

"They th-think I'm his best friend. Because of the letter."

"Well, shit." 

"Yeah." 


	5. Chapter 5

 

Jared's mum ends up sending Evan home that night.

_"You know Evan isn't allowed to stay over on school nights, Jared."_

So now Evan is walking up the path to his house. He puts his key in the door shakily and let's himself in.

 

_i'm working a bit later tonight Evan but I'll be home before you go to bed xx_

Evan stares at the note that's pinned to the fridge with a magnet Evan bought on a school trip when he was 7. There's a twenty dollar note attached to it. He knows he won't use it.

He looks at the clock on the wall and sighs. It's only 6pm. She won't be home for hours.

He doesn't need this today. He just wants to sit with his mum and have her stroke his hair and tell him everything is going to be okay.

Evan doesn't know when he starts crying, but there are tears flowing and sobs wracking his body by the time his legs give out and he collapses to the floor next to the fridge.

He doesn't know long he spent there, curled up on himself on the cold kitchen floor, sobbing his heart out, but his throat is now raw and scratchy and tears have stopped pouring, instead he's just gulping for air between heavy, dry sobs.

Hands are pulling at him and someone's talking but his ears are ringing too loud. 

He looks up and sees blonde curls and a worried expression.

His mum's home.

He heaves himself up and curls into her chest, listening carefully for her voice.

"What's happened? Are you hurt?" His mother's gentle voice asks, he shakes his head. "Can you talk to me, Evan?" She continues and he looks up at the clock.

7:24pm. 

"I've been here for an hour." He mumbles, more to himself. 

"Can you tell me why you're crying, angel?" Heidi asks and Evan reaches up and touches his face to find tears have started to spill again.

"He's in hospital." He chokes out any Heidi grips him, 

"who is? Jared?" 

"N-No... My other... My other friend. He's... He's in a c-coma." 

"Other friend? You haven't mentioned anyone else." 

"I-I know... No one knew we w-were friends until t-today. H-Hes closer to m-me than J-Jared..."

"Do you want to go sit on the sofa, angel? We need to get you calmed down and then we can talk." 

"C-Can you help m-me up?" 

"Of course, babes."

 

"So this friend?" Heidi asks, running her hand through Evan's hair carefully, 

"his names C-Connor. We're r-really cl-close and he tried t-to kill himself. He's in a coma."

"Oh, angel..."

"I was with J-Jared and he was helping b-but Mrs Kleinman sent me home be-because it's a school night and I g-got here and you weren't here and I just wanted you to be here." Evan whimpers and Heidi sighs,

"I'm here now, sweetie, you're alright." 

"I'm scared, mum. I'm so sc-scared." 

"I know, love. I know. Do you have any idea how Connor's doing?" 

"His parents spoke to me. They said his body needs to recover. They don't know when he'll w-wake up." 

"How did they know to talk to you?" 

"H-He had a letter addressed to me in his p-pocket." Evan doesn't bother telling his mum it was his own letter. She'll want to read it.

"Oh, sweetheart. Oh, Evan, I'm sorry." She sighs, hugging him tightly.

"I just want him to wake up." 

"He will, baby. This'll all be over eventually." 

"C-Can we watch a film?" 

"Of course, Evvy."

Evan falls asleep that night curled up next to his mother. Heidi doesn't change out of her nurses scrubs until morning. Her heart aches for her little boy.

 

Evan wakes up on the sofa and a memory of Conner comes crashing through. He tucks his knees into his chest and wraps his arms and his legs and sighs.

 

_Evan wakes up and feels a twinge of pain in his back. He looks around and realises he's on the sofa. He fell asleep with Connor last night. Shit. What if his mum got home and found them asleep together?_

_He starts to panic._

_His breath quickens and his hands become damp. He wants to scream._

_"Evan? What's wrong?" A voice asks and Evan turns quickly to see Connor walking in from the kitchen, a mug in his hands,_

_"you're st-still here?! B-But my mum-"_

_"She text you while you were sleeping. She got held back and isn't gonna be home till lunchtime today so I spent the night with you._   _Don't worry, babe. I was going to take you to bed then leave before she got back but she text you so I just stayed and let you sleep."_

_"Oh."_

_"Do you want a drink? I'll go make you one...?"_

_"I'm okay, thanks." Evan smiles softly and Connor nods, walking over and sitting down on the couch next to Evan, pulling the younger into his side. Evan sighs shakily and curls into his boyfriends side, tucking his head under the elders chin, Connor wraps one arm tightly round the younger and holds his mug in the other, taking all sip as he thinks about what to say._

_"Do you need to talk?"_

_"I-I don't know."_

_"Tell me what you're feeling?"_

_"Heavy. R-Really heavy." He sighs, "just like... heavy and like there's cotton wool in my head."_

_"Okay, baby. I've got you, okay?"  Connor whispers and Evan nods._

 

"Evan, are you alright?"

His mothers voice tears him out of his train of thought and he looks up to see her watching him from a few meters away.

"I'm okay. Was just... Thinking about Connor."

"Tell me about him, love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but. if u hadn't noticed, I'm English. i am willing to use american slang and use dollars and research american places and things etc when i write about american characters BUT I will never. ever. ever write "mom". it's mum. m u m. thank u


	6. Chapter 6

"Evan!" A feminine voice calls behind him and Evan turns to see Zoe Murphy rushing towards him, 

"oh, uh, he-hey... Zoe..." He says slowly, a small smile gracing his lips, 

"Mum wants you to come round for dinner tonight, then we're gonna drive to the hospital to see Connor, if you'd like to come." 

"I can see him?" 

"Yeah. He's allowed more than just immediate family visits now as he's stable, we're basically just waiting for his heart to recover then he'll wake up in the next few weeks." 

"Oh... Oh okay, do you, um, do you mind me coming?" Evan asks nervously, 

"if you really were his only friend and the only thing he was holding on to then of course I don't."

"Th-Thank you." 

"No worries. Come on, I'll drive us." 

 

 

"Evan! How are you, dear?" 

Before Evan can even register what's going on, he's being pulled into the embrace of Cynthia Murphy and hugged tightly.

"H-Hi, Mrs Murphy, I'm, um, I'm okay?" He sighs, unsure of himself.

"Don't be silly, it's just Cynthia. Now, hun, I wasn't entirely sure what you'd want for dinner so I thought we'd order something? Then we can go see Conner." 

"Th-That's fine." 

"Perfect! Do you like chinese?" 

 

_"Con, I'm hungry."_

_"Hi hungry, I'm Connor."_

_"Fuck off!" Evan laughs, slapping his boyfriends arm lightly, "seriously though, I want food."_

_"I can't be bothered to make anything. Chinese?"_

_"I-I don't wanna... The phone."_

_"Ev, you can do it online you know?"_

_"Yeah, but, but then you have to, um, you have to talk to th-the delivery person and it's always awkward."_

_"I'll answer the door, babe."_

_"O-Okay..."_

_"Find the website for the nearest place on your phone."_

_"I-I don't know if I have any cash..."_

_"My treat, just find the website," Connor laughs and Evan glares at him, "don't give me that look. I'm allowed to treat my boyfriend."_

_"You always treat me."_

_"Good, now find the site."_

_"You're infuriating." Evan chuckles as be taps away at his phone,_

_"I try my best to be." Connor laughs, leaning in and kissing Evan's cheek._

_"How are you so cute with a face stuffed with noodles?"_

_"I don't know, ask someone who's actually cute, like yourself." Evan quips and Connor laughs softly,_

_"you fucking noodle."_

_"You just called me a noodle."_

_"I did. So right now you're commiting cannibalism so maybe I'll just take that..." Connor grins and reaches out for Evan's take away carton,_

_"you have your own!" Evan laughs and Connor rolls his eyes,_

_"but my own is boring."_

_"We're literally eating the same thing." Evan laughs and Connor pouts at him, causing the younger to sigh and pick some noodles up before holding his chopsticks out to Connor, who grins and happily accepts them._ _"Can I eat my food now?"_

_"Sure." Connor grins and watches as Evan goes back to eating. "Wait!" He beams and Evan looks up at him with wide eyes, a single noodle hanging from his lips, Connor leans forward and takes the hanging piece between his own lips and full on slurps it, lady and the tramp style, until his lips are pressed against Evan's._

_"You really just did that." Evan mumbles, his eyes wide as a small smile works it's way onto his face._

_"Yeah, I did and it was cute as fuck." Connor grins and Evan rolls his eyes, watching as his boyfriend goes back to eating his own food, a soft, content smile on his face._

"Chinese is fine." Evan smiles, 

"wonderful! Zoe, why don't you take Evan upstairs or something? Make him feel at home."

Home. She should be saying that to Connor as he introduces us for the first time. Not to his sister while he lays comatose in a hospital bed. 

"Sure, mum. Come on, Evan." Zoe smiles softly.

 

Evan follows Zoe up the stairs and down a long corridor. His eyes land on a particular door.

There's a name painted on it in what looks like black nail polish. The same name and writing as what is sitting heavy on Evan's arm. 

He is frozen. Just staring at the door.

"Go ahead." Zoe says and he turns to where her voice is coming from to see her stood next to him, a sad smile on her face. 

"Connor wouldn't like that." 

"You're his friend, Evan, he wouldn't mind."

"O-Okay..."

"I'll be in my room at the end of the hall when you're done." Zoe says softly before walking off. Evan sighs and slowly opens the door to his boyfriends room. 

Evan is surprised when he realises how neat Connor's room is, and he wonders if his parents have been through it. He wonders what they looked for if they did.

The blond shuts the door behind himself and walks over to Connor's made bed and slowly sits down. He looks around the room, everything is just so Connor. There's pencil and charcoal drawings tacked up on the wall and multiple bottles of black nail varnish on his dresser. It feels empty. 

Evan sighs and picks Connor's pillow up and hugs it to his chest. 

He starts crying before he can register anything else. 

 

_Evan sniffs as Connor wraps his arms tightly round the younger,_

_"better?"_

_"A bit." Evan sighs, burying his nose into Connor's neck and inhaling deeply_ , 

_"are you sniffing me?"_

_"Shut up."_

_"You are, aren't you?" Connor laughs,_

_"You just, everything about you is calming."_

_"Bless you." Connor whispers, rubbing his hands up and down Evan's back,_

_"I'm okay now."_

_"Good. You frightened me."_

_"I'm sorry. It was just an anxiety attack." Evan sighs and Connor nods, pressing a kiss to Evan's hair._

Evan nuzzles his nose into Connor's pillow and inhales the familiar scent.

He misses his boyfriend.

It suddenly dawns on him that he won't even be able to hold his hand when he sees him tonight. He just has to stand there and look at his boyfriends lifeless body.

He sobs into Connor's pillow.

 

After a couple of minutes, Evan takes a deep breath and puts Connor's pillow back before standing up and walking over to the elders wardrobe. He swings the door open and chuckles at the array of grey and black.

 

 

Evan walks into Zoe's room with Connor's favourite hoodie clutched in his arms. His boyfriends sister looks up and smiles at him softly, 

"that's sweet. Actually, come to think of it, I think I've seen you wearing one of his hoodies at school before."

"Probably. He let me borrows his when I got cold."

"That's... Weird to hear. I don't really associate my brother with kindness and generosity." She sighs, 

"he is both of those and so much more. I know he can be pretty horrible to you but he does love you, Zoe. He talks about you all the time." 

"He does?" She asks, her face hopeful, 

"yeah, he, uh, he wishes he could talk to you properly." Evan sighs, picking at a loose thread on the hoodie in his arms as he sits down on the edge of Zoe's bed.

 

_Evan grabs his phone when it vibrates on his desk,_

_From: Con_

_i hope i remembered ur mums work rota correctly bc im on my way over_

 

_Evan frowns. He always asks to come round. Something's wrong._

_To: Con_

_yeah she's at work. you okay?_

_Evan doesn't get a reply._

_Instead, 10 minutes later, there's a loud banging at the front door._

_He sighs and gets off the sofa and rushes to open it._

_Connor stands in front of him, fists clenched and eyes bloodshot._

_"What's happened?" Evan asks and Connor let's out a sob as he slams himself against Evan's chest. Evan sighs shakily and wraps his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him into the house and shutting the door behind them._

_They stand there for about five minutes, Connor crying while Evan holds him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear._

_"I'm such a fuck up." Connor whimpers after a while, pulling away from Evan,_

_"baby, no. Please tell me what's happened."_

_"I just want Zoe to know that I give a shit! I don't mean to be like this!" He chokes out and before Evan can stop him, he's slamming his fist into the wall next to them. He throws another punch, and another, and another before Evan grabs hold of him._

_He reacts to the touch by swinging his arms back, causing the back of his hand to collide with Evan's face._

_The younger whimpers and steps away._

_"Evan! Oh, fuck, baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to!"_

_"It's okay, I know you didn't. Come on, come with me." Evan whispers, taking the hand Connor wasn't punching the wall with and leading him into the kitchen. He let's go of Connor's hand to open the freezer and the elder jumps up and sits on the counter._

_"Thanks." Connor sighs as Evan presses an ice pack to his knuckles,_

_"tell me what's going on inside that head of yours." Evan whispers and Connor leans down and rests his forehead on Evan's, the younger moves to stand between his boyfriends legs._

_"She was playing something on her guitar and it sounded so pretty and I wanted to hear more so I stood outside her room and she caught me and screamed at me to leave her alone and I just got so angry. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong, I just... I just want to get along with her, Evan. She's so... perfect. She's everything mum and dad want and deserve and then there's me. I just want to prove I'm not a complete fuck up."_

_"Maybe you should... I don't know. Maybe i-it'll help if you tell her you're t-trying with her... For her?"_

_"I just... She draws on her jeans when she's bored, did you know that?"_ _Evan shakes his head and Connor smiles softly as he shuts his eyes and continues, "she sits there and draws stars and things on the cuffs, her shoes, too. She just, she's fidgety-"_

_"like you." Evan interjects,_

_"yeah. Have you ever seen her smile properly? It's like, real. Completely real. It makes me so happy."_

_"That's sweet, Con."_

_"She still fills out those dumb teen magazine quizzes. And... And remember when she put blue in her hair? She looked so cool!"_

_"What else?"_

_"She dances. She dances so well. Like no one is watching."_

_"You notice a lot."_

_"Yeah. God, if only I could just_ tell  _her. Talk to her."_

_"You can...?"_

_"We're a million worlds apart, Ev."_

_"You're her brother, Connor."_

_"She hates me."_

_"She doesn't. You just have to... work to get on b-better terms."_

_"I love her. You know that, right? You know I love her?"_

_"You just proved that, trust me."_

 

"He said all those things about me?"

"Yeah."

"I don't hate him." Zoe whispers, 

"Yeah... Yeah, I know." 

"When he... When he wakes up, I'm gonna try with him. It's a two way street. I haven't been great to him, either."

"He'd really like that, Zo. Zoe,  _sorry._ "

"Why are you sorry?"

"He calls you that. I didn't know if you'd like me calling you that. I mean, we don't know each other?" 

"I don't mind. Does he really call me Zo?"

"Yeah."

"He hasn't used that name to my face in years." She sighs, looking past Evan and smiling softly, "hey, are you gonna be at school tomorrow?"

"Y-Yeah. I think so."

"Can I join you for lunch?" 

"Oh, uh, yeah? I eat in the computer labs though b-because the cafeteria m-makes me anxious."

"Thats perfect, actually. I've spent all week being interrogated by people I don't even know because I'm the sister of the kid who attempted suicide."

"Y-Yeah. I get that. That's wh-why I spent the last couple of days at home. The whole... The whole "dear Evan Hansen" thing got out."

"How?!"

"O-One of the reception staff had to read the letter to make sure your parents weren't like, doing anything wrong. She told her kid. He's in some of Conner's classes. H-He told e-everyone in our year."

"Oh god, I didn't even know." She frowns and then sighs, "that letter was... a lot."

"Yeah." Evan mumbles.

_I wrote it. He didn't want to say goodbye._

"I didn't realise he was in so much pain."

"Me neither." Evan whispers, tears filling his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm upsetting you."

"I-Its okay. He's your brother. You have a right to talk about it with s-someone. Even if th-that someone is as clueless as you."

"I'm really glad he has you, Evan."


End file.
